I almost missed my flight. I'm such an idiot. I slept through my wake up call. It was pure luck that I woke up with enough time to get to the airport on time, and that was barely. Everyone had already boarded the plane. But, I made it, thankfully. I really need this time away. I am so tired and stressed out. I need this vacation. And, apparently, I'm not the only jrocker who feels this way. Kiyoharu, Aya, Kaoru of Dir en grey, and Miyavi and Gackt of S.K.I.N are coming on the trip to Fiji too. I'm nervous. I mean, I don't consider myself the type to obsess over other celebrities. I never really acted like that. But... Miyavi. He's gorgeous, and sexy, and actually really damn talented. I admit I have a little uh... crush on him. I hope I don't go all fanboy on him >.< It would be really embarassing. Not to mention that the god that is Gackt is here too. Kiyoharu, Kaoru, and Aya are pretty hot too. Sigh. This could be extraordinarily bad. I'm supposed to be this tough rocker, untouchable and all like cold, but here I am obsessing over the other travellers. Bad. Very bad.

 I don't know if I can keep going like this. We work so hard and we're always away from our homes and our families. I think everyone has the idea that touring is glamorous and fun. It can be. But more than that sometimes, it can get to be too much. Sometimes, I just want to go home. Or just to sleep in some day, until the afternoon, then spend all day in just my boxers, being lazy. I miss the little things. I don't think I really knew what I was getting in to. Little to no sleep sometimes, long hours, constant criticism and being watched. I look at stars that are more well known and who are constantly hounded by the media and I wonder how they do it. I wonder, if we reach that level of popularity, will I be completely overwhelmed? It feels like I'm missing so much. My life is anything but normal and sometimes, I can't deal with it. Now, I'm drinking more and sleeping less, and I'm scared that I'm falling apart. Sure, on stage, I'm happy, cute, funny, hyper; everything the fans want us to be. In private, I'm a mess. The rest of the band is worried about me. They're careful about how they say it, but I know. Hitsugi is the youngest out of the five of us, but it's me they're all worried about. I guess the life of a celebrity isn't as great as I thought it would be. The constant pressure starts to wear you down. I'm worried that soon there will be nothing left of me. I don't talk to anyone about it. I don't want to burden anyone with my concerns. But I don't know what will become of me if something doesn't change. Even surrounded by my band I'm lonely. Its getting to be too much...